Table of Contents

Introduction

xi

Chapter 1: What It Means to Be a Liberal

1
What Breed of Liberal Are You? (Take the quiz)  4
The Liberal Manifesto 12
Rate Your Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)  15
What’s Your State of Embattlement?  19

Chapter 2: Know Your Enemy 

23
The Conservative Manifesto 24
Frequently Asked Questions about Conservatives  28
A Field Guide to the Conservative Genus  35
Other Conservative Species You May Encounter 41
How to Rate a Conservative’s Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)  43
A Glimpse into the Conservative Utopia  47

Chapter 3: Can’t We All Just Get Along? 

51
A Day in the Life of Conservatives vs. Liberals 52
Battle of the Bumper Stickers  58
What Liberals Say vs. What Conservatives Hear  61
What Conservatives Say vs. What Liberals Hear  63
Common Enemies We Can All Agree to Hate  66

Chapter 4: Basic Training 

73
The 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans 74
Dou You Suffer From Argumentile Dysfunction? 78
How Not to Be an Asshole  82
The Ten Commandments of Partisan Warfare  87
How to Avoid Unhinged Lunatics  95
How to Detect Bullshit   98
How to Trip Up a Bullshitter 102
How to Spot Logical Fallacies 103
How to Win When You Can't Win Them Over 108

Chapter 5: How to Win Friends While Antagonizing People

 
111
How to Survive Family Sparring Matches  112
What to Do If You’re Sleeping With the Enemy  116
How to Manage Workplace Squabbles  119
How to Clash with Perfect Strangers  123
How to Argue Politics on Facebook and Twitter 125
How to Properly Engage in Internet Flame Wars  130

Chapter 6: Kick-Ass Comebacks to Conservative Nonsense 

137
How to Argue with an Obamaphobe 138
How to Taunt a Tea Partier 143
How to Argue with Economic Ignoramuses 148
How to Clash with Clueless Conservatives on Hot-Button Issues 153
How to Argue with Bible-Thumpers 158
How to Rebut Other Conservative Drivel 162

Chapter 7: The Conservative Hall of Shame 

169
 The Wing of Batshit Crazy 170
The Wing of Douche Bags 177
The Wing of Sex Fiends, Perverts, and Adulterers 183

Chapter 8: How to Use Conservatives’ Own Words against Them

191
Stunningly Moronic Conservative Quotes 192
Breathtakingly Delusional Conservative Quotes 202
Shockingly Sociopathic Conservative Quotes 212

After-Words  

217
When All Else Fails: 125,000 Ways to Insult Conservatives 217

Acknowledgments 

221

About the Author 

224

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Revised & Updated for the 2012 Election!