A Day in the Life of
Conservatives vs. Liberals

A Day in the Life of a Conservative	A Day in the Life of a Liberal
7:00 a.m. Wake up, flip on Fox News, find out what to be afraid of today	Wake up, turn on MSNBC, find out what to be outraged by today.
8:00 a.m. Bible study	Home Bikram yoga
8:30 a.m. Blare Rush Limbaugh while idling at McDonald’s drive-through	Read High Times while sitting at a juice bar sipping wheat grass.
9:00 a.m. Arrive at work, secure rights to drill in ancient panda den	Arrive at work, begin sorting through frivolous lawsuits to prepare for filing
10:00 a.m. Update Facebook with pictures from this week’s NRA spotted-owl BBQ	Update Facebook with pictures from shamanic drum circle
11:00 a.m. Log on to the Drudge Report to read about latest terrorist threat involving gay illegal immigrants posing as abortion doctors	Log on to the Huffington Post to read about Republican plans to build waterboarding theme park on National Mall
12:00 p.m. Eat half a deer burger (left over from weekend hunt), wash down with Bud, throw the rest away	Cleansing fast! No lunch today
1:00 p.m. Buy 100-share lot of Halliburton stock in anticipation of war with Iran	Buy solar-powered laptop case to offset guilt for racing against a Prius in your new Nissan Leaf for zero-emissions supremacy
2:00 p.m. Walk around the office, remind everyone who the “job creator” is	Walk around the office, try to get coworkers to sign petition to change this year’s office Christmas party to a nondenomintional winter solstice celebration
3:00 p.m. Gas up Hummer, reposition Confederate flag on window, clean homeless person off grille	Pump air in bicycle tires, lecture passing drivers about evils of internal combustion engine
4:00 p.m. Stop by drugstore for Vicodin prescription, report suspicious-looking cashier to INS for deportation	Stop by holistic healing center to see if the South American pygmy healing root has arrived in hopes of curing venereal diseases picked up at Burning Man
5:00 p.m. Stop by Walmart, buy booze and ammo	Stop by Whole Foods, spend $60 for a free-range beet salad and a mineral water from France
6:00 p.m. Join the guys at Hooters to watch ESPN and ogle the waitstaff over a couple of pitchers	Join fellow tree huggers to block commuter traffic until the city agrees to build a “toad tunnel” allowing frogs to safely cross busy street
7:00 p.m. Sit down to family dinner and enjoy a delicious Godfather’s pizza in honor of future president Herman Cain	Occupy your local country club, eat the rich, then recycle their monocles and top hats in a wealthy compost heap
8:00 p.m. Watch The O’Reilly Factor for fair and balanced news	Watch The Daily Show for fair and balanced news
8:30 p.m. Put the kids to bed after reading them Help Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!	Put the kids to bed after reading them Mommy, Mama, and Me
9:00 p.m. Log on to Hot Air to read new and inventive ways to continue to blame Obama	Log on to Media Matters to read new and inventive ways to continue to blame Bush
10:00 p.m. Have missionary sex with spouse (if on a business trip, have illicit tryst in hotel bathroom with intern)	Invite the neighbors over for Tantric group orgy while listening to Tuvan throat singing
11:00 p.m. Recite prayers, await the Rapture	Smoke joint, fall asleep